Wednesday, December 9, 2009

A Most Incredible Life!

He was born in darkest Africa when rare Siamese-twin weak-beaked pigeons collided with the propeller of the single-engine biplane in which his pregnant mother was flying. Incredibly, the propeller perfectly separated the two birds, who had been joined at the beak, allowing both of them to survive! The plane crashed, but his mother was thrown 265.5 feet, setting a new world record for airplane-crash survivors, miraculously landing safely in the thick down nest of the Eekie ostrich, a bird that cannot fly but runs as fast as thirty-four miles per hour, when pursued, and is the only known mammal to have no offspring!

She was found there by an albino round nose gorilla, who often grow to be more than eight feet tall and survive on the sap of the beer tree--which yields a liquid remarkably similar in taste and alcoholic content to malt liquor--and carried to the gorilla's den, where her child was born with a large birthmark on his chest in the exact shape of the continent of Africa!

Within a year mother and child were rescued by a party of ten explorers searching for the fabled Lost Tribe of Jungman, who according to legend are born and survive without a sense of humor! In a most amazing coincidence, each member of this rescue party had been born on the twelfth of March, a 2,333,768,343-to-1 chance! On the voyage home, their ship was about to sail into a field of giant icebergs, one of which had been carved by the hand of God as an exact ice portrait of Abraham Lincoln, but they were miraculously saved when a pod of great green whales appeared and nudged the ship to safety, only to disappear never to be seen again!

The ship arrived in New York on the same day that the world's largest venetian blind, consisting of 52,132 slats, was unfurled from the top of the Empire State Building! In New York his mother rented the apartment that had once been the home of Indian fakir Bebe Beebesh, who for the last thirty-five years of his life never spoke a single word that did not begin with the letter B, ending on his deathbed with his last words: "Bye bye."

As a seven-year-old boy he learned to play the piano and startled the world of music by composing the Symphony in C-flat, consisting of the note C-flat repeated eighteen thousand times, making it the longest song with only one note ever written! He was enrolled by his mother in the prestigious Wickshire school, where one of his classmates, Andrew Fox, astonished his friends by simultaneously smoking twenty-four cigarettes before collapsing!

Although he was not born into the Jewish faith, at age thirteen he was bar mitzvahed in a service in which he dumbfounded his relatives by reading a portion of the Torah in ancient Latin, a language in which he had never taken a single lesson, which turned out to be the highlight of this unorthodox bar mitzvah!

Forsaking college, he tried many careers. His first great success was the invention of the game Anti-Monopoly, although he made no money because he gave away all his rights! Eventually, though, he had another idea, and this crazy notion would eventually make him world famous. For this young man's name was Robert Ripley, the creator of Ripley's Believe It or Not!

Believe it or not.

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