Thursday, December 31, 2009

Final Weekly Office of 2009

December 21 - GPS Voice: "Proceed to the highlighted route. Then route guidance will begin." Dwight: "Why do you use that thing? It lets them know where you are, at all times." Michael: "Who?" Dwight: "The government. Spy satellites. Private detectives. Ex-girlfriends."

December 22 - "So, what do you think? Think these guys are nice? The ones I didn't bring are even better. Justin, I'm willing to commit right now. Would you do me the honor of spending the summer with us at Dunder Mifflin? I think you are very special." (Michael)

December 23 - "I like you. What's not to like. But you need to access your un-crazy side. Otherwise maybe this thing has run its course." (Darryl, to Kelly)

December 25 - "Yes, it would have been nice to do well at the first presentation that he had given me. But you know what else would be nice? Winning the lottery." (Michael)

December 26 - Holly: "Andy proposed to one of your accountants." Michael: "Oh wow." Holly: "Yeah. That's as specific as I can be on my first day." Michael: "Well, I could see Andy proposing to Angela. I could also see him proposing to Oscar."

December 28 - Michael: "Come 'ere. I would never say this to her [Pam's] face, but she is a wonderful person and a gifted artist." Oscar: "What? Why wouldn't you say that to her face?"

December 29 - Andy: "You need to set me up with her [Angela]. I know she told you that she was looking and she's totally not responding to my moves." Pam: "What moves?" Andy: "I have moonwalked past accounting like ten times." Pam: "I can't believe that's not working."

Wednesday, December 30, 2009

The Danger of Little White Lies

I was waiting for my wife just outside the dressing room of a big department store when an overweight young woman emerged from one of the stalls wearing a tight dress at least two sizes too small. Posing in front of a mirror, she asked the salesperson, "How does it look?"

"Perfect," the salesperson replied, "it's just right."

I couldn't restrain myself. "Are you kidding?" I said helpfully. "She looks like a three-pound kielbasa stuffed into a hot-dog skin."

The customer burst into tears and retreated to the dressing room. The salesperson eyed me sternly. "Why did you do that? It was just a little white lie. It didn't hurt anybody."

"Oh, but that's where you're wrong," I corrected her, "White lies can be very dangerous." And then I told her the sad story of Andy Smith, the man who told little white lies.

"Just like you," I began, "Andy Smith thought little white lies didn't hurt anybody. One day, for example, he was standing in the street next to a very big dog when a woman asked him, 'Does your dog bite?'
"'No,' he said. But when she tried to pet this dog, it bit down hard on her hand, drawing blood.
"'I thought you said your dog didn't bite!' she screamed.
"'He doesn't,' Andy replied with a big smile, 'but this isn't my dog!'
"Another time Andy was in the theater when the leading man suddenly clutched his heart and fell over. One of the actors came to the front of the stage and pleaded, 'Is there a doctor in the house?'
"Andy stood up and shouted, 'Yes!' then moved to the front of the theater. And when he got to the stage and saw the stricken actor, he smiled and said, 'Unfortunately, I'm not him.'
"Finally, one day Andy was flying to California when there was a commotion in the front of the plane. Emerging from the cockpit, a panicked flight attendant shouted, 'Can anybody fly an extremely complicated 757 jumbo jet?'
"Andy couldn't help himself. He had told so many little white lies that it had become second nature to him. He immediately stood up. 'Yes!' he shouted with his usual smile and started making his way to the front of the plane. And when he got there and looked at the complicated controls...Well, I'm sure you can imagine what happened after that."

The salesperson looked at me with new found appreciation. "I see. So what you're saying is--"

"That's right," I interrupted, "in the wrong hands, a little white lie can be fatal!"

"Thank you for sharing that with me, thank you so much. Now I understand why you did that." Then she walked away. But moments later, from somewhere deep inside the dressing room, I heard her voice as she proudly told an unseen customer, "How do you look in that? Are you kidding? You look like an elephant wearing a bikini."

And I smiled contentedly.

Thursday, December 24, 2009

Weekly Office

December 7 - "He has a killer job. He's rich. He smells like what I think Pierce Brosnan probably smells like. He wears really cool rich guy clothes." (Andy, on Ryan)

December 9 - "All of these jobs suck. I would rather live jobless, on a beach somewhere, off the money from a large inheritance, than have to work in any one of these crapholes. They suck." (Michael)

December 10 - "It's so competitive here. What's the dollar worth in your land? Medical school probably costs like forty bucks, or a donkey or something." (Michael, to Vikram, at his telemarketing job)

December 12 - "Justin is the ugly girl in the movie who takes off her glasses and she's hot. And you realize she was always hot, she was just wearing glasses, and that you were the blind one. He's the most important thing in my life right now." (Michael)

December 14 - Andy: "What about cash? Cash you can buy anything you want, including a gift basket. So, it's kinda the best gift ever." Jim: "What about a gift basket full of cash?" Andy: "Yes! Cash baskets! Nice work, Tuna."

December 17 - "This is Darryl Philbin. Isn't he big? And you already met her, Pam Beesly, office hottie. She will do you. No, no, but she has already dated two guys in the office that we know if. So this could be number three." (Michael)

December 18 - Jim: "I just thought I heard crying or moaning or something in here." Dwight: "Hmm. Well, I'll look into that in the morning. Thank you for bringing that to the attention of the staff."

Wednesday, December 23, 2009

I Am an Urban Teacher

-I am an urban teacher.
-I will follow the universal code of urban teachers: Cover me.
-I believe that sexual education is a subject, not an after-school activity.
-I believe that all calibers are to be treated equally.
-I am confident that someday the ringing in my ears will disappear.
-I will never accept bribes when giving report-card grades; though, I will take all threats into consideration.
-I will not consider "The Effects of Drug on Students" an acceptable science project.
-I will always honor the memory of the Vice Principal for Disciplinary Affairs.
-I will never judge students by their race, creed, gender, or religion; only by the quality of their weapon.
-I will never carry cash during school hours.
-I will refuse to allow my chemistry students to make pipe bombs.
-I will never testify against a student.
-I will actively participate in the Parole Officers-Teachers Association.
-I will not permit students to throw food in the cafeteria while the food is still in the can.
-I will happily sell raffle books to raise funds for new batteries for the metal detector.
-I will never reply to a student's demands, no matter how outrageous, with the phrase "Over my dead body."
-I will fight fire with fire...but I will never fire first!
-I will never require my students to conjugate the verbs to confess, to squeal, or to lay.
-I will never enter the boys' room without first saying loudly, "Wait right here, Killer. I'll be right out."
-I will require all students who are absent to bring me a note from their gang leader.
-I am an urban teacher, hear my song: "Help" by the Beatles.

Thursday, December 17, 2009

Weekly Office

November 25 - Dwight: "I'll put you down for irrigating. Now then, do you have any special needs or dietary restrictions?" Jim: "Yes, we will be requiring a bedtime story."

November 28 - "...many cultures revere old people, because of their story-telling ability--like the old lady from Titanic. Or, for the funny things they can do, like 'Where's the beef?'" (Michael)

November 30 - "I don't care what they say about me, I just want to eat. Which I realize is a lot to ask for. At a dinner party." (Pam)

December 1 - "So. Hey, come on. Don't be sad. She's in a better place...Actually the place that she's in is the freezer, because of the odor." (Dwight, about Angela's cat, Sprinkles)

December 2 - (At Dwight's beet farm) Jim: "I'd say one in six." Pam: "What?" Jim: "I thought you asked me what our chances were of being murdered here tonight."

December 3 - Michael: "Pam. Pam! Pam! Pam! Pam! Pam! Pam! We're dying here! I want you to go back to the office and I want you to get the real stuff. I want you to get the ultra white card stock." Pam: "Are you serious?" Michael: "Yes. And don't call me Shirley."

December 5 - Angela: "Dwight. You have to listen to me. We are not seeing each other anymore. Can you accept that?" Dwight: "Fine. Then I just want to be friends. Plus a little extra. Also, I love you."

Wednesday, December 16, 2009

Struck by Luck

No one can explain luck. Luck either lays its golden hand on your shoulder or coldly passes by. Paul "Buck" Fisher was not a lucky person. Never once in his entire life had he gotten something for nothing. He'd never won a single prize or met the girl of his dreams. He even had great difficulty finding an empty space in a large parking lot. Good fortune always seemed to be just beyond his grasp.

Life for Buck Fisher became a constant struggle. He had difficulty holding a job, and he was forced to live in dilapidated housing. Finally, desperate, he turned to a life of petty crime. He began by shoplifting, then moved on to stealing handbags and after several years graduated to armed robbery. But even then, luck evaded him. In his very first attempt at armed robbery, he tried to hold up a doughnut shop frequented by police officers. When Buck pulled his toy gun from his belt and announced, "This is a stickup," the five police officers in the shop drew their weapons. In a brief burst of gunfire, Buck Fisher was shot three times in the chest.

An ambulance raced him to the hospital, where surgeons labored six hours to save his life. And there, lying in a hospital operating room, Buck Fisher's luck finally changed!

One bullet had missed his heart by less than a millimeter. Had it been the width of a fingernail closer to his heart, he would have died instantly. While the surgeon was removing that bullet, he happened to notice a bulging aneurysm--a miniature balloon ready to burst--in the aorta leading from Fisher's heart. The surgeon performed a delicate resection, inserting a synthetic graft and eliminating the danger from the aneurysm.

Had Fisher not been shot in the failed robbery attempt, within a few days at most that aneurysm would have burst, killing him. Instead, the bypass saved his life, enabling Paul "Buck" Fisher to serve every single day of his twenty-five-year sentence. Luck had found Buck Fisher in the nick of time.

Friday, December 11, 2009

The Enjoyment of Things

Time is moving crazy fast, and I've just been trying to soak up small chunks of fun stuff lately, and wanted to share what can only be described as a random assortment of lists...hope you can track all this, and feel free to chime in where you agree/disagree/have an opinion. I'm gonna try and rank them in order of enjoyment. Peace.

Movies I've Recently Seen
1. A Christmas Carol (in IMAX 3-D)
2. Where the Wild Things Are
3. The Box
4a. District 9 (2nd time around)
4b. Zombieland
5. My Sister's Keeper (sob-fest, beware my friends)
6. Twilight: New Moon
7. Year One (what exactly were they thinking?)

Books Swirling Around My Brain
1. A Million Miles in a Thousand Years by Donald Miller
2. The Irresistible Revolution by Shane Claiborne
3. You Have What it Takes (what every father needs to hear) by John Eldredge
4. Every Man's Battle by Stephen Arterburn

TV Shows from THIS FALL
1. Modern Family
2. The Office
3. V
4. Glee
5. 30 Rock (only because it started so slowly out of the gate)
6. Heroes
7. Community
8. Scrubs

Next Up for my Viewing Pleasure
1. The Blind Side
2. Fantastic Mr. Fox
3. The Princess and the Frog
4. 2012
5. Law Abiding Citizen
6. Precious

The Anticipation is Brewing
1. LOST
2. Sherlock Holmes
3. Robin Hood
4. Invictus
5. 24
6. Avatar (in IMAX 3-D only)
7. Wall Street 2

Thursday, December 10, 2009

Weekly Office

November 13 - "There's no such thing as playful hazing. Dwight, I want you to look at Holly right now. Everybody, I want you to look at Holly right now. And maybe if you look at her deeply enough, you will see what I see in her. And that is that we are all very lucky to have her here. Holly is the best thing that has happened to this company since...World War II. Fifty years, she is the best." (Michael)

November 15 - "Michael, '5K' means five kilometers, not five thousand miles..." (Pam)

November 17 - "Hey, Ryan. It's Jim. You know what? Totally disregard that last voicemail because you obviously have your hands tied. Good luck." (Jim, upon watching Ryan get arrested on YouTube)

November 18 - "Hey, bro. Been meaning to ask you--can we get some Red Bull for these things [vending machines]? Sometimes a guy's gotta ride the bull, am I right? Later skater." (Creed, to Ryan)

November 20 - "Dunder--that, okay, see, security is coming, so I just want to say come to Dunder Mifflin. Dunder Mifflin--a great place to work. Anybody? Show of hands? Anybody want to intern at Dunder Mifflin? We do not offer college credit. We cannot give you any sort of pay. But it is a really fun work environment. Anybody? Show of hands? Damn it. Okay, I'm gonna wrap it up here. Thank you for your time. And drive safe!" (Michael)

November 23 - Ryan: "Let me say something. I know I used to be a temp here, but now everything is different. I'd like your respect, I am your boss now; you're going to have to treat me the same way you treated Jan." Michael: "Oh, wow. Mmm--that's a little kinky."

November 24 - "My whole life I have known two things--I love sex, and I wanna have kids. And I always thought that those two things would go hand in hand. But now I think it might be one or the other." (Michael)

Wednesday, December 9, 2009

A Most Incredible Life!

He was born in darkest Africa when rare Siamese-twin weak-beaked pigeons collided with the propeller of the single-engine biplane in which his pregnant mother was flying. Incredibly, the propeller perfectly separated the two birds, who had been joined at the beak, allowing both of them to survive! The plane crashed, but his mother was thrown 265.5 feet, setting a new world record for airplane-crash survivors, miraculously landing safely in the thick down nest of the Eekie ostrich, a bird that cannot fly but runs as fast as thirty-four miles per hour, when pursued, and is the only known mammal to have no offspring!

She was found there by an albino round nose gorilla, who often grow to be more than eight feet tall and survive on the sap of the beer tree--which yields a liquid remarkably similar in taste and alcoholic content to malt liquor--and carried to the gorilla's den, where her child was born with a large birthmark on his chest in the exact shape of the continent of Africa!

Within a year mother and child were rescued by a party of ten explorers searching for the fabled Lost Tribe of Jungman, who according to legend are born and survive without a sense of humor! In a most amazing coincidence, each member of this rescue party had been born on the twelfth of March, a 2,333,768,343-to-1 chance! On the voyage home, their ship was about to sail into a field of giant icebergs, one of which had been carved by the hand of God as an exact ice portrait of Abraham Lincoln, but they were miraculously saved when a pod of great green whales appeared and nudged the ship to safety, only to disappear never to be seen again!

The ship arrived in New York on the same day that the world's largest venetian blind, consisting of 52,132 slats, was unfurled from the top of the Empire State Building! In New York his mother rented the apartment that had once been the home of Indian fakir Bebe Beebesh, who for the last thirty-five years of his life never spoke a single word that did not begin with the letter B, ending on his deathbed with his last words: "Bye bye."

As a seven-year-old boy he learned to play the piano and startled the world of music by composing the Symphony in C-flat, consisting of the note C-flat repeated eighteen thousand times, making it the longest song with only one note ever written! He was enrolled by his mother in the prestigious Wickshire school, where one of his classmates, Andrew Fox, astonished his friends by simultaneously smoking twenty-four cigarettes before collapsing!

Although he was not born into the Jewish faith, at age thirteen he was bar mitzvahed in a service in which he dumbfounded his relatives by reading a portion of the Torah in ancient Latin, a language in which he had never taken a single lesson, which turned out to be the highlight of this unorthodox bar mitzvah!

Forsaking college, he tried many careers. His first great success was the invention of the game Anti-Monopoly, although he made no money because he gave away all his rights! Eventually, though, he had another idea, and this crazy notion would eventually make him world famous. For this young man's name was Robert Ripley, the creator of Ripley's Believe It or Not!

Believe it or not.

Thursday, December 3, 2009

Weekly Office

November 1 - Michael: "Hey, what the hell is going in here? Who thought it would be hysterical to give Toby a rock for his going away gift?" Dwight: "You did." Michael: "No!" Dwight: "You made me wrap it."

November 5 - "Holly is sweet and simple. Like a lady baker. I would not be surprised to find out that she had worked in a bakery before coming here. She has that kind of warmth--I'm pretty sure she's baked on a professional level." (Michael)

November 6 - "If I was twenty-two and I had lots of time to have lots of children, sure, then let Michael have a shot at one of them. But honestly, I need to make this one count." (Jan)

November 7 - "I stole your diary and gave it to my lawyer; you e-mailed a topless photo of me to everyone in our company. Let's call it even." (Jan)

November 9 - Holly: "It was a pretty good company but I just couldn't see a future there. They kept hiring from the outside. It was easy to get in but impossible to rise up." Michael: "That's what she--! A lot of places are like that."

November 10 - "Hey, there he us! There he is--he's back and he's with a beard! He has facial hair! Look at him. All grown up and no place to go. Hello Mr. Sonny Crockett. I'm Tubbs." (Michael, to Ryan)

November 11 - "Michael, do you remember you specifically told me to only bring one sheet of paper? You said, 'It only takes one sheet to make a difference.' And I said, 'Are you sure, Michael?' And you said, 'Pam! Pam! Pam!' And then you sneezed in my tea and then you said, 'Don't worry, it's just allergies.' Do you remember that?" (Pam)

Wednesday, December 2, 2009

Random Acts

Brian McLane had read with fascination about the random-acts-of-kindness movement that had spread across the nation. For absolutely no reason, people were doing nice things for strangers. According to these stories, committing random acts of kindness made them feel good about themselves. Brian McLane was not a happy person, so he decided to try it: One night, for example, he was in a bar and he bought a drink for a complete stranger, a woman he had never seen before. But within in a few minutes, she left alone. A few days later a store cashier gave him too much change, and rather than risk embarrassing her in front of the store manager, he kept the money. In a restaurant the woman sitting behind him left her pocketbook hanging wide open on the back of her chair and he didn't take her wallet.

But none of these things made him feel better about himself. Deep inside, he still felt angry and alienated. He still yelled at his family and friends for no reason. One day, though, as he walked down a New York street, he suddenly felt a strong urge to kick over a garbage pail. With one strong kick he sent it careening down the block. And as he watched the garbage being strewn all over the sidewalk, he felt a wave of satisfaction flow through his entire body. For the first time in months, he felt good about himself. In fact, he felt strong and powerful.

Brian McLane had committed his very first random act of hostility.

The next day, as he strolled down the same New York street, for absolutely no reason he snapped in half the antennas on five different cars! And doing so without taking credit made him feel wonderful. A few hours later he knocked over a pile of newspapers in front of a candy store, and the warm glow he felt as he watched the wind blow papers all over the street convinced him he'd discovered something quite special. And this was the beginning of the random-acts-of-hostility movement.

Once Brian McLane discovered how good being bad made him feel, he couldn't stop. On trains he would forcibly squeeze into a space between two people that was much too small, then play his radio as loud as possible. In movie theaters he would shout out the identity of the killer in the middle of the film. In restaurants he'd spill drinks on people, and he just loved calling up strangers in the middle of the night. These random acts made him feel like a different person. Even his family and friends noticed the difference in him. He had become so nice they wondered what was wrong. Eventually, Brian McLane shared the secret of his happiness. Initially many people objected. It wasn't nice, they pointed out.

That was exactly the point, Brian McLane said. Reluctantly, people tried it. At first it was difficult; most people had spent so long following the laws they had forgotten how to be bad. But it quickly came back. And after their first few random acts of hostility, many people found themselves enjoying a sensation they hadn't experienced in years; they were free to be bad! And it felt just great. The simple act of kicking over a garbage pail was the most liberating thing many people had experienced in years. It changed their lives, giving them an outlet for all their frustrations, making them happier with themselves and easier to be with at home and at work.

Brian McLane hadn't set out to the change the world when committed that first simple random act of hostility. But from that small piece of garbage, his movement has spread across the world!

Thursday, November 26, 2009

Weekly Office

October 23 - "Best ad ever: 'Gimme a break, gimme a break, break me off a piece of that--' I am totally blanking. What is the thing?...'Claude-Van-Damme'...'Hair-for-men'...'Poi-son-gas'...'Nu-tri-sweet'...It's got to rhyme with 'piece'...'Fan-cy-feast!' 'Break me off a piece of that Fan-cy-feast!' It's a cat food. Nailed it." (Andy)

October 24 - "Excuse me! If you can hear me, I would like you to look around at all these companies and know that none of them are good enough for you. H&R Block? Come on! I mean, I don't even know what they do. Frank Regan Funeral Home? Too much formaldehyde. The Air Force? Air Force is cool." (Michael)

October 26 - "I talked to her. Holly. Just pleasantries - nothing, you know, not like, do you want kids, or religion, or what side of the bed you want. Hey, I can take either side of the bed at this point." (Michael)

October 27 - "Mr. Scott, do you realize you just contradicted yourself. I did. Yes, you did. Can I go to the bathroom. No. I really have to, I've been drinking lots of water. You went five minutes ago. That wasn't to go to the bathroom, that was to get out of a question. You still have to answer it. First can I go to the bathroom. No." (Stenographer, during Michael's deposition)

October 28 - "Hey, how ya doin'? Listen, I don't think that a handsome, funny, smart, funny-looking kid like you should limit himself. You could be a classy janitor. Or a cashier with dignity. Or a migraine worker. A career in paper isn't for everyone. Maybe for you paper should be more of a hobby." (Michael)

October 29 - "I'll let you in on a little secret: I have very much been looking forward to this moment. Very, very much. I have been steeped in anticipation. Toby has been cruisin' for a bruisin' for twelve years. And I am now his cruise director. And my name is Captain Bruisin'." (Michael)

October 30 - "No, no, no. Pam, let [the phones] ring. Let the bells of Dunder Mifflin chime out your love. 'Cause this is really good. This is really good. My heart soars with the eagle's nest." (Michael)

Wednesday, November 25, 2009

The Importance of Friendship (according to Allison Lamar)

When I was a little girl, I had no friends. I had nobody to play with, nobody to tell all my secrets. But when I was four or five years old, a very special person came into my life. She was my best friend, the friend who was always at my side, through good times and bad; she was my imaginary friend, Irma.

Irma taught me the importance of friendship, and I've never forgotten that. I think real friendship is about the most valuable thing there is, and I do anything for my friends.

Irma accepted me exactly as I was. She was pretty and smart and nice, and very confident. She was everything I knew I would never be. She wasn't even afraid of adults. We would play together by ourselves for hours and hours. We would play with my dolls and we would dress up in Mom's clothes. We never, ever had a single fight, and we trusted each other with our most important secrets. My mom and dad thought Irma was really cute, and they let her live with me in my room. Mom would even set a place for her at the dinner table.

But sometimes Irma could be very silly. Once, I remember, she went into Daddy's wallet when he was fast asleep and took $30. Then she hid the money under my mattress. When my Mom found it, she was very mad at me. I told Mom that my invisible friend, Irma, had taken Dad's money, but Mom didn't believe me. She yelled at me a lot. Irma got really mad when Mom said she wasn't really, so she collected all these dead spiders and cockroaches and put them in Mom's shoes. Mom sure was angry when she found them. Irma and I laughed and laughed.

Irma was my best friend in the whole wide world. We went everywhere together. I took her to birthday parties with me even though she was never invited. She went to school with me and during tests she would peek at my neighbor's paper and whisper the answers to me. And she always protected me just like a best friend should. Like there was this boy in my school who was always teasing me? So one day, Irma tripped him and he fell down two flights of stairs.

Irma and I always had so much fun together. When I got older, I started going out with boys. Irma didn't mind, she just wanted me to be happy. And if a boy I liked didn't like me, Irma would go to his house at night and scratch his parents' car. When one boy was really mean to me and called me names, Irma tried to set fire to his house. I don't think anybody ever had such a good friend.

When I went to see Dr. Shaw for my headaches, he told me that Irma was "a little crazy," and that I should make her go away. But I knew that that was not how really close friends treat each other. Real friendship means sticking by someone even when they do something you don't like. And I'll bet anything that Dr. Shaw stopped thinking that after Irma "fixed" the brakes on his car. But I guess no one will ever know what he was thinking all the way down that hill.

When Bobby and I decided to get married, I was afraid Irma would be jealous, but she wasn't, she was really happy for me. I told Bobby about her right away. I thought Bobby might want her to move out, but he didn't; mostly he just pretended she wasn't even there.

Lately, though, Bobby and Irma have become real good friends. In fact, at night sometimes, Bobby gets all dressed up and tells me, "I'm going to take Irma out for a few hours." And then sometimes they stay out all night.

It makes me sad when they leave me home alone, but I don't complain. If I was jealous of Irma, I wouldn't really be a very good friend. Besides, when Bobby goes out with Irma, my new imaginary friend comes to visit. His name is Ted. And he works in the brake repair shop. I think Bobby is going to meet Ted soon.

Sunday, November 22, 2009

Motivated By...

Little Zachary was doing very badly in math. His parents had tried everything...tutors, mentors, flash cards, special learning centers. In short, everything they could think of to help his math. Finally, in a last ditch effort, they took Zachary down and enrolled him in the local Catholic school. After the first day, little Zachary came home with a very serious look on his face. He didn't even kiss his mother hello. Instead, he went straight to his room and started studying.

Books and papers were spread out all over the room and little Zachary was hard at work. His mother was amazed. She called him down to dinner. To her shock, the minute he was done, he marched back to his room without a word, and in no time, he was back hitting the books as hard as before. This went on for some time, day after day, while the mother tried to understand what made all the difference.

Finally, little Zachary brought home his report card. He quietly laid it on the table, went up to his room and hit the books. With great trepidation, his Mom looked at it and to her great surprise, Little Zachary got an "A" in math. She could no longer hold her curiosity...she went to his room and said, "Son, what was it? Was it the nuns?" Little Zachary looked at her and shook his head, "No." "Well, then, was it the books, the discipline, the structure, the uniforms? What was it?"

Little Zachary looked at her and said, "Well, on the first day of school when I saw that guy nailed to the plus sign, I knew they weren't fooling around."

Friday, November 20, 2009

The Daring Dozen

So, after just finishing 2 awesome books in the last 3-4 days, I sense it's finally time to get after it with some aggressive reading. I've got an arsenal of sa-weet stuff that I'm confident will bless, inspire, and enlarge my perspective and passion for Jesus. Oh, and the 2 recent reads? Drops Like Stars by Rob Bell and The Irresistible Revolution by Shane Claiborne. One highlighted how unifying and life-altering suffering can be (with God right there with us), the other bolding challenging the followers of Christ to reengage in an Acts 2, mission-minded care of one another, specifically the poor.

One of the things that will take a tad more time in the reading of these books is that I'm spending a few extra moments at the end to go back through the pages where stuff leaped off the page at me. The kinds of things that I'll want to share, pass on, and bless others with. So, without further delay, here's the 12 books I'm beginning my reading frenzy with:

1. A Million Miles in a Thousand Years by Donald Miller
2. Every Man's Battle by Stephen Arterburn and Fred Stoeker
3. Crazy Love by Francis Chan
4. The Year of Living Biblically by A.J. Jacobs
5. Sex God by Rob Bell
6. The Feast by Josh Graves
7. The Tipping Point by Malcolm Gladwell
8. They Like Jesus But Not The Church by Dan Kimball
9. I Sold My Soul on Ebay by Hemant Mehta
10. The Monkey and The Fish by Dave Gibbons
11. The Jesus Creed by Scot McKnight
12. The Hidden Power of Electronic Culture by Shane Hipps

I look forward to the deep, soul-riveting insights that these dozen reads will bring out in the coming months...stay tuned.

Thursday, November 19, 2009

Weekly Office

October 12 - Michael: "I am downloading...music for a CD mix tape...for Holly, and I'm looking for perfect songs that work on two levels." Jim: "What are the two levels?" Michael: "The two levels being 'Welcome to Scranton' and 'I love you.'"

October 14 - "I am totally going to bang Holly. She is cute and helpful and she really seems into me." (Kevin)

October 15 - "Can I just say that of all the idiots in all the idiot villages in all the idiot worlds you stand alone, my friend." (Michael, to Toby during his exit interview)

October 16 - "Well, it was love at first sight. Actually, it was, no, it was when I heard her voice. It was love at first see with my ears." (Michael)

October 20 - Michael: "This thing with Holly feels a lot like love to me." Jim: "That's really sweet. And you can think that, but you don't say that out loud and you definitely don't say that to her."

October 21 - Dianne: "Are you telling me that your relationship began two years ago and not in February, as you previously testified?" Michael: "Line." Dianne: "I'm sorry, what?" Ted: "He asked for a line. Like in a play."

October 22 - Dwight: "Excuse me, where do you think you're going? Oh, no, no, no, no. You are not leaving. No! Stanley, do not walk out that door! If you walk out that door, so help me, I will...He left. Last I checked, the American work day ends at 5P.M. You will all stay at your desks until that time. Or your will suffer the consequences." Phyllis: "What consequences?" Dwight: "I will tell on you."

Wednesday, November 18, 2009

Timothy Johnson's Last Wish

Little Timmy Johnson was a very sick boy. The doctors had tried hard, but they could do nothing more to help him. Timmy wasn't scared, but he had one wish. He wanted to receive postcards from all over the world, more postcards than anyone else had gotten in his whole life; enough postcards to get him into the Guinness Book of World Records, where he would live forever and ever.

When his mom told a reporter for the local newspaper, the Clarion, they printed a big story on the front page. Only 780 people lived in Mapletown, but just about every one of them mailed a postcard to little Timmy. They sent hundreds and hundreds; picture postcards and funny postcards, postcards from faraway places like Nebraska, postcards with a picture of a dog pulling down a baby's diaper. The second-grade class even made postcards from shirt cardboard for Timmy. There were so many postcards that poor Mrs. Peterson, who ran the local post office, was just about overwhelmed. And the mailman, old Mr. Burns, who had carried the mail on his aching back for forty years, could barely even lift his mailbag.

But still little Timmy was very sad. Hundreds of postcards were not nearly enough to earn him a place in the Guinness book. And just when he was about to give up, a producer on the ABC Evening News heard about Timmy's plight and decided to help him. That night Peter Jennings told the nation about Timmy's last wish, and the very next day postcards began arriving. Hundreds of postcards, then thousands, then tens of thousands arrived every day. Newspapers and magazines carried the heartwarming story, and even more postcards arrived. More postcards than anyone had ever imagined arrived from every state, and then they began coming from Europe and Asia and even little islands in the Pacific Ocean that no one ever knew existed.

There were so many postcards nobody knew what to do with them. Old Mr. Burns tried to deliver a sackful one day and made it about fifty feet from the post office before he keeled over and died. Mrs. Peterson lasted almost a month before the stress got her and they had to put her in the loony home. With so many postcards arriving daily no other mail could get through. Bills weren't delivered so they couldn't be paid causing hundreds of people in town to lose their phone service and electricity. The most terrifying words anyone had ever heard became "The check is in the mail." Stores couldn't bill their customers or reach them by phone, so within three months most of the shops on Main Street had to shut their doors.

And still the postcards continue to arrive by the tens of thousands. It was the most mail anyone had ever gotten. People from all over the world were trying to fulfill little Timmy Johnson's last wish. It made them all feel so good.

With the town pretty much shut down, except for the convoys of big mail trucks that roared down Main Street all day and night, people started packing up and leaving. Families that had lived happily in Mapletown for generations boarded up their homes and left. Mapletown became a ghost town.

But then, an amazing thing happened. A miracle, some people said. Little Timmy woke up one morning and his pain was gone. He could breathe easily. The doctors attributed his incredible recovery to his joy at receiving more postcards than anyone else in history and earning his place in the Guinness book. Little Timmy Johnson was cured!

The news of his recovery spread slowly, so the postcards continued to arrive. No one could stop it. By that point the town was pretty much deserted and Timmy had no one to play with. So each day he would try to climb to the top of his postcard mountain, which continued to grow and grow and grow. Eventually it was estimated that Timmy had received 12 million postcards from every state and more than ninety countries around the world!

All traces of his disease seemed to have disappeared. But sometimes fate is not so kind. The disease had simply been in brief remission. One morning he awoke and it had returned. A few days later, Little Timmy peaceful passed away. His doctors reported that he had died with a smile on his face, knowing that he would live forever in the Guiness Book of World Records.

As the news of Little Timmy Johnson's death spread around the world, the deluge of postcards ended. A few days later the citizens of Mapletown began returning. Once again, people dreamed of living there. They took the boards off their homes and reopened the stores. Mapletown was slowly coming back to life.

And then the first condolence card arrived...

Thursday, November 12, 2009

Weekly Office

October 3 - "Schrute Farms, Guten Tag, how can I help you? Yes, we have availability on those dates. How many in your party?...Oh no, I'm sorry, no king beds...No queen beds either. Well, we make our own mattresses that don't conform to the traditional sizes...Well, closest would be twin...Thank you so much for calling, call back again. Auf Wiedersehen!" (Dwight)

October 5 - "Hazing is a fun way to show a new employee that she is not welcome or liked." (Dwight)

October 6 - "Earlier today, Stanley sassed me. And Toby gave me some suggestions on how to discipline him and they did not work. Obviously, because they were stupid. So I am not going to fake fire him." (Michael)

October 7 - "You know, if we hung Holly from the ceiling, we'd have to kiss underneath her. So...sorry. Question: Are you real, or are you a Holly-gram?" (Michael)

October 8 - "I wouldn't go if things weren't so solid with Jim. And down the road, if we have a family, I couldn't go then either. So, the timing is perfect. And that is the first time I ever used the word 'perfect' in here." (Pam)

October 9 - Diane: "Mr. Scott, the timeline is actually very important here. Please, when did your relationship actually begin?" Michael: "Well, depends on how do you define 'begin'? I mean, if it's from the first time we shook hands, it's like six years ago. If it's from the first time we kissed, it's like two years ago...If it was from the first time we kissed sober, it was like four months after that."

October 11 - "Goodbye, old friend. May all your roads be downhill and the wind be on your back windshield." (Andy)

Wednesday, November 11, 2009

The Going-Away Present

Emma Hyde-Pruitt could have lived a life of incredible luxury. Born into one of London's top-hat families in the 1860s, she was destined to take her place among the fashionable set at Ascot. When she was seventeen, a fabulously wealthy duke asked for her hand in marriage. But the strong-willed young woman shocked the tony set by rejecting her suitor, for she had a far more important mission in mind.

As a young girl, Emma had ridden in her carriage through the mean streets of London's slums. There she had seen the children in their tattered rags, their emaciated bodies desperate for a few morsels. She gave what monies she could as a child, but as she grew older, she knew that it would not be enough. She could feed a few children for a few days, but what she really wanted to do was change their lives. So Emma Hyde-Pruitt did what no other woman of her social standing had ever done--she attended teaching college and eventually gained her license to teach!

Day and night she would roam London's dangerous "throat-cutter" alleys, gathering groups of children to teach them to read and write. If she could educate but a few, she knew, she could provide hope for all of them. Forsaking her fashionable life, Emma Hyde-Pruitt became a fixture in the slums.

When the public learned of her noble deeds, she became one of the most beloved people in London, "the Angel of the Alleys."Emma had but one dream for herself. As she was growing up, she would sit upon her father's knee, and he would regale her with tales of the great queens of the ocean, the fleet Atlantic liners. To sail one day aboard one of these great ships remained her lifelong wish; but with the family fortune given away to the needy, she knew that would never be possible.

Or so she thought. As Emma Hyde-Pruitt approached her fiftieth birthday, her students, young and old, began pooling their money for a grand surprise. Hundreds of them gave what pittance they could, a farthing here, half a sixpence there, but they all gave. And on the occasion of her fiftieth birthday, hundreds of people whose lives she had changed gathered around as she was given the gift of their love for her: a first-class ticket on the maiden voyage of the Titanic.

Thursday, November 5, 2009

Weekly Office

September 23 - "Hi, yeah, right, okay. Well, they fired a female Toby. Good for the world. Thank you, God, for creating two of you. Here's how things work here. My job is to make the office fun. Your job is to make the office lame. And we have an eternal struggle, you and I, and only one of us can be the winner. Spoiler alert: I'm going to win." (Michael)

September 24 - "I just, I don't understand what is preventing you from laughing this off and giving me a big hug." (Michael, to Meredith after her with his car and cracking her pelvis)

September 25 - Darryl: "Well see. In the gang world, we use something called fluffy fingers." Michael: "What is that?" Darryl: "That's where somebody really gets up in your face, you just start tickling him." Michael: "Really?" Darryl: "Yeah. And then he starts tickling you, and pretty soon you laughing and hugging...'fore you know it, you've forgotten the whole thing, and you all can just go to church and get an ice cream cone."

September 27 - "Thanks to Toby, I have a strong prejudice against human resources. I believe that the department is a breeding ground for monsters. What I failed to consider, though, is that not all monsters are bad. Like E.T. Is Holly our extra-terrestrial? Maybe. Or maybe she's just an awesome woman from this planet." (Michael)

September 29 - "People assume I'm great at golf. But like everybody, I hated golf lessons when I was a kid. So I used to just hang out with the sailing club instead. Got my knot on." (Andy)

September 30 - "What is wrong with this woman? She is asking about stuff that's nobody's business. What do I do? Really, what do I do here? I should have written it down. Qua-something. Qua. Quash. Quarbo. Quabity. Quabity assuance. No. No, no, no, but I'm getting close. (Creed)

October 1 - "I've got a mad-lib for you. A stupid, idiotic, numbskull named Andy Bernard sold his Xterra to a smart and capable man named Dwight. This is shaping up to be an awesome day for Dwight." (Dwight)

Wednesday, November 4, 2009

A Meditation for Investment Bankers

"A pessimist is someone who doesn't believe his book about torture, murder, and brutality will sell, while an optimist is someone who believes it will." (Sir Roger Woolmuth)

One day I was feeling sorry for myself because I couldn't afford to rent a chateau in the south of France for the summer, until on that same day I met an investment banker who couldn't afford his own chauffeured limousine. And that investment banker had been feeling sorry for himself until he met an investment banker who couldn't afford a state-of-the-art digital sound system for his media room. And he had been feeling sorry for himself until he met an investment banker who couldn't afford to ear Armani. And she had been feeling sorry for herself until she met an investment banker who couldn't afford custom-made Loeb shoes.

But the very next day the stock market went up eleven points and all of us were able to afford all of these things that we wanted.

Thursday, October 29, 2009

Weekly Office

September 7 - "Uh...kind of a good news and bad news there. I was able to be on the scene so quickly because I was in the car that hit her." (Michael)

September 8 - "So many memories in this old gym. Pretending to have PMS so I didn't have to play volleyball. Pretending to have PMS so I didn't have to play basketball...those were the days." (Pam)

September 10 - Margaret: "I'm gonna head out." Michael: "Oh, okay. Well, um, I enjoyed this conversation. It was very nice. It was like talking to the sweet old lady on the bus." Margaret: "That's incredibly rude." Michael: "Now you ruined it."

September 11 - Dianne: "Mr. Scott, who is this other woman, Ryan? Who you refer to as...'Just as hot as Jan but in a different way.'" Michael: "Not a woman, just a cool, great-looking, best friend."

September 18 - Michael: "Ugh, Toby's replacement. Wow." Dwight: "So what do we know about her?" Michael: "Well, we know that Toby thinks she'll be great. Strike one. I hate her already."

September 21 - Pam: "That's [a single sheet of paper] all we brought." Michael: "This is all we need." Oscar: "We'll see." Michael: "Yes, we will see, Oscar. We will see because a blank sheet of paper equals endless possibilities. Conceptual. Alright. We are open for business."

September 22 - "A lot of jazz cats are blind, but they can play the piano like nobody's business. I'd like to put the piano in front of Pam, without her glasses, and see what happens. I'd also like to see her topless." (Creed)

Wednesday, October 28, 2009

This Old House

The Old House isn't too much to look at anymore. The shutters are off their hinges and the roof is missing a lot of shingles; some of the windows are cracked and the wooden boards are desperate for a new coat of paint. But to me, it's still beautiful, the most beautiful house in the world.

No matter what anyone tells you, a house isn't made of brick and wood, it's made of memories, and as I look around this old house in which I grew up, the memories come flooding back into my mind. There, right in the center of the living room, there's the bare spot on the rug where our big old dog, Spot, used to settle in the for the night. Spot's spot, we used to call it. And just a few feet away, behind the couch, there's my secret hiding place, the place I would hide every night when I heard Dad stumbling home from the bar.

Everywhere I look I see memories. To my adult eyes the room I shared with my sister seems so small, but once it seemed like the biggest room in the world. Coats of paint have long since covered the walls, but in my mind as I look at those walls, I can still see the messages my sister used to write to Satan.

Oh, how many hundreds of hours did I spend sitting at the old kitchen table doing my homework as Mom cooked dinner? When I run my fingers over the wall, I can still feel the plaster filling the bullet holes Dad made when he accidentally fired a clip from the semiautomatic weapon that he didn't know was loaded. Boy, until that day I never knew Mom could move so fast. Dad was so embarrassed when he got sobered up. We all laughed at that one, except Spot, of course. Poor old Spot.

As I climb the creaky wooden staircase, I can't help but remember all the games we played there. If I look at the steps real closely, I can still see traces of the skid marks left by Grandma's wheelchair as she tried to put on the brake. Mom sure didn't think Roll Grandma Down the Stairs was a funny game. Well, we couldn't play it without Grams anyway. Poor old Grandma.

Walking into the tiny room Dad built for Grandma and Grandpa, I have to remember to duck so I don't bang my head against the low ceiling beam. How we used to laugh every time we heard the unmistakable thump when Grampa forgot it was there and walked straight into it. I can still remember Mom telling me after we heard that sound, "dear, go upstairs and revive your grandpa." And looking around the room, there isn't even a single sign of the fire. There's not even an ax mark in the door where the firemen broke it down. Poor old Grampa.

The attic smells as musty and stuffy as it did when I was five years old. I used to hide up there for hours, just waiting for my sister to sneak up there with another one of the older boys from the neighborhood. And looking out the window, I can still see the tiny little claw marks left on the windowsill by Buck, the cat, as he tried to hold on as my sister pushed him out.

The basement is as damp and dark as I remember it. It was down in the basement that Dad used to play scary games with us like Hang the Pet. In fact, there's still a little piece of rope hanging from one of the beams. As I feel the cool cement on my feet, I remember how careful I used to be. Dad always warned us that it was bad luck to step on an animal's grave.

There'll be a For Sale sign on the old house pretty soon now. Someone will buy it, fix it up, and make it look brand-new. And they'll start building their own treasure chest of memories there. But for me, it will always be my house, the house in which I learned all about life.

Thursday, October 22, 2009

Weekly Office

August 19 - "Now okay, I know that this is probably not appropriate but I need help. Because I want to play ball with my kids before I get too old. And before that happens, I need to get laid. And before that happens, I need to be in love...I am a catch. And I am not going to be the one who got away. So this is what we're going to do. Dwight is going to hand out index cards and I want you all to write down the name of an eligible woman for me to date by the end of the day. No, by the end of the hour. Or you are fired." (Michael)

August 20 - "Today is Toby Flenderson's last day. I couldn't sleep last night. I came in extra early. So much energy. There are certain days that you know that you will remember for the rest of your life. And I just have a feeling that today is one of those days." (Michael)

August 21 - "Okay, here's what we're going to do. I'm going to instruct the kids about management and sales, Oscar will be in charge of accounting, Pam will be eye candy...No, and also because that is your alma mater. Darryl will hire some kids for the warehouse. You don't have to worry about internships with them because they definitely ain't going to college!" (Michael)

August 23 - Schneider: "Did Ms. Levenson say why she thought she was being fired?" Michael: "She thought it had to do with the twins. That's what I call them." Schneider: "Can you be more specific? Who are the twins?" Michael: "To be delicate--they hang off milady's chest. They make milk."

August 25 - "Okay, well, this will not do. Toby is going away forever and, ah, we need to do something very, very special. In some cultures, when somebody leaves, like New Orleans culture, they have a parade and they have a band and people party in the streets." (Michael)

August 30 - Michael: "We were joshing around. The two of us. And he said, 'Did I stutter?' And I said, 'Wha-wha-wha-what dog.' It was joking Toby, alright?" Toby: "He didn't seem like he was joking." Michael: "Well you don't get it. Because Stanley is a beautiful, sassy, powerful black man. And you're you. If you had any friends, you would understand friends joke with one another. 'Hey, you're poor.' 'Yeah, well, your mama's dead.' That's what friends do. It's...you're so white."

September 3 - Pam: "You mean 'leaves' as in 'dies'? You want us to throw Toby a New Orleans funeral?" Michael: "If the devil were to explode and evil were gone forever, what sort of party would you have?"

Wednesday, October 21, 2009

The Truth About Them

Throughout history, brave men and women of science have been willing to risk scorn and ridicule to defend unpopular beliefs. For almost twenty-five years Professor Lawrence Kimball worked alone on a secret project in a dingy basement laboratory at the Institute of Human Studies. When he was not there, his lab was locked and no one, not even maintenance, was permitted entry. He never discussed his project with his colleagues, hinting only that he was on the verge of a discovery that might someday earn him recognition in the annals of science.

Finally, at the annual symposium, he asked to be recognized. Striding to the podium, his glasses falling down his nose, his wild hair flowing in a slight breeze, he cleared his throat and said, "I am pleased to be able to report the results of the study of my lifetime. Ladies and gentlemen, I have found irrefutable evidence that there is a direct relationship between breast size and intelligence!"

The room erupted. Angry voices shouted at him. The director of the institute stood up and said, "I can tell you, Professor Kimball, that that is about the dumbest thing I have ever heard."

Professor Kimball did not back down in the face of ridicule. As men of science have done for hundreds of years, he defended his research. "Not only that," he shouted above the din, "my research shows that results are the same whether the subject has breast implants or natural breasts!"

"This is absurd," the director said, "this is ridiculous."

"You're wrong," the professor insisted, holding up his thick report. "I have proof. It is right here. There can no longer be any doubt, the larger the breasts, the dumber the man."

Monday, October 19, 2009

Holy Wow

So, I'm trying to process last Wednesday. Carly and I went and took in what Louie Giglio described a "Spacecity Church," and by that I'm referring to U2. My brother Payton wrote a great blogpost highlighting that seeing them in concert should be on folks "Bucket Lists," and certainly I would agree. I've got some interesting takeaways and perspectives from our experience.

-U2 is the biggest band in the world. Period. I don't care who you have liked, or who used to be good and famous...RIGHT NOW, there's not a person or group that can pack it in like they can.

-It's an enormously diverse crowd that comes out for U2...ages, appearances, languages, tastes. Only reinforces the truth that their music is so universally appealing.

-Bono can still hit the notes. While he's not the most inviting, interactive entertainer (think engaging the crowd to join, jump, wave, etc), he does very well. His stage presence and showmanship of their ballads is super.

-The EDGE is the real force behind U2. How did I miss this all these years? So, I guess most people just associate Bono with the creative mojo of U2 because he's the front man, the political voice, the one with the cool shades. But, the EDGE can straight up jam, create the ridiculous rhythms which has made their songs timeless, and oh, by the way he can SING as well. A defining moment for me was when Bono took the time to introduce the band, and referred to The EDGE as "Our Captain." That's respect and deserved honor for The MAN.

-U2 brings the faith/change agent element. This was evident in the "Amazing Grace" interlude, the comment of "Let's have a little church here tonight" before we all belted out "Where the Streets Have No Name," and was realized in the simplicity of "One" and spectacle of "Walk On." Bono even sang a prayer for Aung San Suu Kyi which was very moving.

-While it was a little large for my interactive/participatory tastes, it was a visually stimulating show nonetheless, worth every cent. I mean, they pretty much did everything they could to overcome they fact that they are in a STADIUM and try to connect. Crazy lights, plethora of speakers, state-of-art screens, illuminated jacket and hanging rope mic, and of course the spaceship.

-Their anthems of faith, life, perspective, love, and politics may reach more people than many of the songs I've sang all my life. So, I want to celebrate the vessel that they are for our Creator, flash, flaws and all.

Thursday, October 15, 2009

Weekly Office

August 1 - "Hello Oscar Meyer Weiner Lover. I bet that you have a bunch of very liberal girl type friends, who trust you implicitly, because they know you'd never touch 'em because of your...condition." (Michael)

August 3 - "Today, I'm headed over to the job fair at Valley View High School to find some new interns. Wanna get some fresh blood. I'm intern-shopping. Um, youthanize this place." (Michael)

August 5 - "There is a master key and a spare key for the office. Dwight has them both. When I asked, 'What if you die, Dwight? How will we get into the office?' He said, 'If I'm dead, you guys have been dead for weeks.'" (Pam)

August 6 - "When I said that I wanted to have kids and you said that you wanted me to have a vasectomy, what did I do? And then we you said that you might want to have kids and I wasn't so sure, who had the vasectomy reversed? And then when you said you definitely didn't want to have kids, who had it reversed back? Snip, snap, snip, snap, snip, snap! I did. You have no idea, the physical toll that three vasectomies have on a person. And I bought this condo to fill with children." (Michael)

August 7 - "Oh my God. Pam, those [glasses] make you look so ugly. Pam, in order to get hotter, you take glasses off. You're moving in the wrong direction." (Michael)

August 12 - "I think I'm being very clear what I'm asking. Would an average-size rowboat support her without capsizing? It bothers me that you are not answering the question." (Michael)

August 14 - "Well, this is what happened: Ryan's big project was the website, which wasn't doing well. So Ryan, to give the impression of sales, recorded them twice--once as 'office' sakes, and once as 'website' sales. Which is what we refer to in the business as misleading the shareholders. Another good term is fraud. The real crime, I think, was the beard." (Oscar)

Wednesday, October 14, 2009

Table Manners

There was once a time when the Fork was King of the Table. Proud and alone, the fork ruled his domain. And there was peace and harmony on the tabletop. Everything was fine--until the night that soup was served.

The fork could not lift the soup. He tried and tried, but there was nothing he could do. Each time he dipped into the soup, it dribbled through his long, thin tines. Finally, the spoon, the fork's oldest enemy, came along. "I can lift the soup," said the spoon.

Reluctantly, the fork accepted the assistance of the spoon. Together, the fork realized, they could be even more powerful. Working as a team, it seemed as if there was nothing they could not accomplish. And once again, everything on the tabletop was peaceful--until the night that meat was served.

The fork and the spoon worked together, but as hard as they tried, they could not cut the meat. Finally, the knife, the enemy of both the fork and the spoon, came along. "I can cut the meat," said the knife.

Reluctantly, the fork and the spoon accepted the assistance of the knife. The knife cut the meat and the fork picked it up. Together, the fork, the spoon, and the knife were all-powerful. Working as a team, there was truly nothing they could not accomplish.

And so, for a time, peace and harmony reigned on the tabletop. For it was true; working together, the fork and the spoon and the knife were able to accomplish all that was demanded of them. But then one dark knight, lemon meringue pie was served. The knife said quickly, "I can cut it." The spoon said pleasantly, "And I can pick it up." But the fork said, "I can cut it and pick it up."

So once again, there was distrust on the tabletop. And while the spoon was busily occupied picking up the lemon meringue pie, the fork whispered to the knife, "You know, we don't really need the spoon. And if we get rid of him, there'll be more for us!" So while the spoon's handle was turned, the fork and the knife pushed him off the table.

For a time, there was an uneasy peace on the tabletop. Then one day a big piece of chocolate cake was served. Chocolate cake was the fork's favorite dessert. The fork cut into the cake and picked it up. It was delicious! And as the fork cut another piece, he realized he didn't need the knife anymore. So that night, when the knife had his blade turned, the fork pushed him off the table.

Once again, the fork was King of the Table. And there was peace and happiness. Until the very next night--when, once again, soup was served.

Thursday, October 8, 2009

Weekly Office

July 17 - "I want to embarrass all the other parties. I want it to be a party that the guys in New York watch on the webcam and say -- Wow! How did they get Al Roker to come?" (Michael)

July 20 - "When Pam gets Michael's old chair, I get Pam's old chair. And then I'll have two chairs. Only one to go." (Creed)

July 21 - "I have never dated or wanted to do anything resembling dating Michael. Ever. Not ever. Not now, not then, not now, not ever. Ever." (Pam)

July 24 - "Today is a very special day for me. And it's really not about me. It's about my grandkids, it's about my great-grandkids. I can come back here when I'm a hundred and I can find that piece of cement and say, 'That's me. Look kids. Your daddy left that face hole.'" (Michael)

July 26 - "They say you should never mix business with pleasure. Really. Well then explain to me how a putt-putt golf company operates." (Andy)

July 28 - "You know what? This young man needs to learn that that's not how you treat people/ I don't care if it's pizza, good business is about respect and accountability and follow-through. You don't just make promises and pull the rug out from under somebody, do you? Dwight, please, escort this young man into the conference room." (Michael)

July 30 - "There are people all over the world with all sorts of problems and afflictions and diseases. They're deformed and they're abnormal and they're illiterate and ugly. Symphonies don't have any money. Public TV is a bust. I can't do anything about it, I can't...you know. There is just one of me and a thousand of them and rabies wins." (Michael)

Wednesday, October 7, 2009

Chicken Poop #4

The Poet of the Open Road

In school, teachers held little hope for Billy Madden. He showed no interest in learning. His marks were always poor, he never completed a reading assignment or participated in class discussions, and he rarely did his homework. At an early age he was branded a "nonlearner." Yet, incredible as it might seem, this onetime problem student, who was given up for lost by every one of his teachers, grew up to become one of America's most-read writers!

Leaving high school without a degree, Madden was hired by the State Department of Highways. One day, Madden just happened to be in the office when an emergency occurred. The supervisor charged with writing road signs was out sick, and a sign was desperately needed to warn people not to go too fast. While other people suggested Don't Go Too Fast, and If You Can't Read This Sign You're Going Too Fast, Billy Madden carefully printed the word Slow and a career was born.

Madden had found his niche. He loved writing road signs. Initially, his spelling problems made the job difficult for him. The department unfortunately produced several hundred red, octagonal Stob signs before his misspelling was caught. But Madden spent many sleepless nights overcoming this deficiency and eventually conquered this problem. The result has been tens of thousands of signs that have become familiar to drivers throughout America.

It was Madden, for example, who dauntlessly campaigned to replace the confusing warning Watch Out Deer with the poetic Deer Crossing. For his famed Slippery When Wet, illustrated by wavy tire tracks, he received the first of three coveted Highwayman of the Year awards. Although some of his favorite pieces of writing, such as Big Trains Coming, have yet to make it onto America's highways and byways, the Guinness Book of World Records credits Madden as the writer whose words are read most frequently by Americans.

For a young boy once given up on by his teachers as hopeless, America's roads have become his legacy!

Thursday, October 1, 2009

Weekly Office

July 4 - "I've been carrying that ring around in my wallet for six years. Because you don't know when you're going to meet the right girl and the moment's gonna be right, and tonight, with the fireworks, and the music, everything, it was right." (Andy)

July 7 - "I think that everything...has its place...and I found that my place is here. Turns out I hate the forest. There's nobody there. This is where the action is. I don't need the woods. I have wood paneling. I don't need fresh air. I've got the freshest air around -- A/C." (Michael)

July 9 - "Michael and Jan seem to be playing their own separate game. And it's called, 'Let's see how uncomfortable we can make our guests.' And they're both winning. So, I am going to make a run for it." (Jim)

July 10 - "Oh yes! Count me in, dudes. I am in serious need of some bro time. The old ball and chain's been a lot more chain than ball lately, if you know what I'm saying." (Andy)

July 12 - "What is it like being single? I like it. I like starting each day with a sense of possibility. And I'm optimistic, because every day I get a little more desperate -- and desperate situations yield the quickest results." (Michael)

July 14 - "Oh, no, it's bad. It's real bad. It's like eating a hot circle of garbage." (Kevin, on Pizza by Alfredo)

July 16 - "So, I caught everyone before they left, and I told them my idea. They loved it. Because this is a group that respects good ideas...The one time of year they hear one." (Jim)

Wednesday, September 30, 2009

Chicken Poop #3

The Five W's of Motherhood

Mrs. Jane Robbins, a former Metropolitan Reporter for the Flint (Mich.) Journal, came up with an interesting concept. Why not apply the famed "Five W's" of journalism to real life? As a young reporter she had been taught that all the pertinent facts needed for a story could be learned by asking six simple questions: who, what, when, where, why, and sometimes, how. Jane Robbins realized that by asking these same questions of her teenage daughter, she could obtain all the important information any mother needs to know about her child's welfare:

-Who are you going with?
-What are you going to do?
-When will you be home?
-Where will you be?
-Why don't you call me and let me know you're there?
-How are you getting home?

Unfortunately, when asked these questions, her fifteen-year-old daughter, Tamara, responded with the "Five W's" of teenagers:

-Who died and made you Queen of the World?
-What do you want from my life?
-When are you going to stop treating me like a child?
-Where do you get off telling me what to do?
-Why can't you just leave me alone?
-How can you do this to me?

Jane Robbins abandoned her idea altogether.

Thursday, September 24, 2009

Weekly Office

June 17 - "I will be honest. The dating has not been going well. Look, men are visual creatures. We crave beauty. Like a piece of fine art by...any number of renowned artists. Or an arty photograph of Cindy Crawford nude. But the women I'm getting fixed up with are...blech. Not that they aren't nice, or that they don't have great personalities, it's, they just lack a certain...Crawfordness." (Michael)

June 22 - "I finally broke down and bought myself a plasma TV. Check it out. I actually hung this on the wall myself...Sometimes, I will just stand here and watch television for hours. I love it. I love this TV." (Michael, showing Jim his fifteen-inch television)

June 24 - "I wasn't really planning on leaving. All I wanted was a raise. How on earth did Michael call my bluff? Is he some sort of secret genius? Sometimes I say crazy things." (Stanley)

June 25 - "As I lay there, with Dwight sticking his grubby fingers down my throat, I could see the trees, and the birds and the afternoon sun. It was glorious. But I guess it sort of repulsed me because I threw up." (Michael)

June 26 - "Plan a party, Angela. Oh, and the entire world will see it. Oh, and here's sixty-five dollars for your budget. Oh, and here are four idiots who will do nothing but weigh you down. Oh, and your cat's still dead." (Angela)

June 30 - "Man became civilized for a reason. He discovered that he liked to have warmth, and clothing, and television, and hamburgers, and to walk upright, and a soft futon at the end of the day. He didn't want to struggle to survive. As the Elephant Man said to Cher, 'I am not an animal, I am a human being.'" (Michael)

July 27 - "Did you know that candles are the number one fastest-growing product in the scent and aroma market? Two billion-dollar-a-year industry! And for only $10,000, you could become a co-owner of Serenity by Jan. What do you think about that?" (Michael)

Wednesday, September 23, 2009

Chicken Poop #2

A Work in Progress

Day after day, often seven days a week, Jim Klurfield worked incredibly long hours. His job was his life, and he found little time to spend with his family or for recreation. He couldn't even enjoy the rare moments of relaxation he had because he felt too guilty about not working. But early one morning, while reading the newspaper on his way to work, he was amazed to see his lifestyle and feelings described perfectly by "Dear Abby." He was a "workaholic," she wrote, and then she described the potential consequences of that behavior.

Jim Klurfield was thrilled and surprised to learn that he wasn't alone, that thousands of other people had also unwittingly become slaves to their jobs. That morning Jim Klurfield realized his life was slipping away and vowed to change.

Klurfield was surprised to discover that while thousands of people suffered from this same problem, there was no organization to which they could turn for help. So he decided to create one. Workaholics Anonymous, a support group, would be modeled on the twelve-step programs that have proven to be so successful fighting alcoholism and drug addiction.

Klurfield threw himself completely into this task, devoting every spare minute he could to putting together this organization. Gradually he found himself spending less and less time at his job so he could work on this program. Early in the morning and late at night, weekends and holidays, he worked to create an organization to help people free themselves from an addiction to working. He dedicated his life to this job; he skipped meals, he rarely saw his friends, he even had to quit the company bowling team.

Finally, he was ready to schedule the very first meeting of Workaholics Anonymous. Unfortunately, it was almost impossible to find a date and time that was convenient for the people who wanted to attend. And then on the night of that meeting, every one of the people who had promised to be there had to cancel because they had too much work to do.

That failure only caused Klurfield to redouble his efforts. After that night he began working even harder in his effort to help himself and others like him from working so hard. The first meeting of Workaholics Anonymous has not yet been rescheduled.

Friday, September 18, 2009

Chicken Poop #1

Dad's Lessons


Sometimes late at night, when the house is so quiet I can hear the familiar complaints of the friendly old floorboards stretching their limbs, and the house is warmed by love, I tiptoe into my four-year-old son's room and sit on the floor in a corner, and I just watch him sleep. His clothes are always strewn around the room, while his baseball cap hangs proudly on the doorknob. I always have to be careful not to trip over his "Big League Football," which I know to be lying securely, I could sit there all night. And as I watch him, in these quiet moments, I can't help but remember my old man and the lessons he taught me about life.


While once I thought my dad was just about the biggest man in the whole wide world, in fact he was quiet small, and thin, and his face was as cracked and pockmarked as the old leather seats of his beloved '52 Pontiac.Dad had grown up dirt-poor on the great American plains. As a boy he had watched the once fertile farmland turn into the infamous Dustbowl. He often told me, "They called it the Dustbowl 'cause every night with my momma would take me and my brother outside with our wooden bowls and fill 'em to the top with dust. 'That's it, boys,' she'd tell us. 'Eat up.'"


My old man never forgot his hardscrabble days, even long after he grew up and could afford the nice things in life. By the time I was born he knew he'd never have to worry where his next meal was coming from, but it was important to him that his sons learn the hard lessons life teaches. He wanted to make sure that I would be tough enough to survive and prosper as he had done. To him, life was one big hard lesson.


I guess the first important lesson my dad taught me was to be independent. I was just four years old when he took me out to the shopping center and left me there. I'll never forget that feeling as I watched him drive away, with just that little loving wave. A few days later, when that nice policeman brought me home, my dad and I both knew I'd learned a very important lesson.


My dad had learned how to deal with emergencies, and was always eager to help provide opportunities to test how I would respond to unexpected problems. I'll never forget the day of my ninth birthday. Dad was driving and I was next to him in the passenger seat. Suddenly he screamed, "Think fast!" and leaped right out of the car. I had to learn how to drive right there on the spot. But as long as I live, I'll never forget that broad, proud smile on his face when I pulled that old car up the driveway. That was my old man.


As Dad got older and that cough became worse, he knew he wasn't going to always be there for me, and he wanted to make sure I could handle the real tough times. I was fourteen years old, I remember, when the police came to the high school to arrest me. As they booked me, they explained that "an anonymous called" had informed them that I had help up a convenience store. I smiled. That was my old man, I knew, teaching me how to deal with adversity. But two days later he was right there to bail me out.


Oh, sometimes the lessons were hard. I sure did miss my little brother after that tragic "accident." And when my dad spent all the money I'd saved for college, it helped me learn that I could survive on almost nothing. But there wasn't one single day when I doubted his love for me.


My old man isn't here anymore, but I've never forgotten the lessons he taught me. So sometimes, late at night, when I'm sitting there on the floor, I look at my son, sleeping like an angel, and I know that one day soon I'll be taking him to the mall.


Just like my old man.

Thursday, September 17, 2009

Getcha Some Office

Friends, the day has arrived. We've been waiting for far too long to howl at one Michael Scott, Regional Manager of the Scranton Office of Dunder Mifflin Paper Company. So, in honor of the Season Premiere of The Office this evening, I'm debuting 7 quotes from past seasons which are simply meant to wet your pallet for tonight. As a followup to this, expect this every Thursday this fall as the show rolls on. Laugh away.

May 28 - "The warehouse got a ping-pong table last week. So now Jim comes down and plays with Darryl. Sometimes I bring him juice. My boyfriend is twelve." (Pam)

May 29 - Michael: "This is ironic, isn't it? I am in the hospital for not getting enough water; you are in for a disease that causes the fear of water." Meredith: "I am in because you hit me with your car."

June 2 - "Michael has asked Pam and me to dinner at least nine times and every time we've been able to get out of it. But I gotta give him credit-he got me-because I'm starting to suspect that there was no assignment from corporate." (Jim)

June 3 - "I work hard all day. I like knowing there's going to be a break. Most days I just sit and wait for the break." (Kevin)

June 4 - "Several hours in, it's time for me to find some nourishment. Now, these woods are full of creatures that can sustain human life. Things like chipmunk, squirrel, wild boar, venison, jackalope, are all ingenious to this part of Pennsylvania." (Michael)

June 5 - "Angela is worse than usual lately and we have a party to throw, so I googled, 'How to deal with difficult people,' and I got all of this. So we're gonna try out some new things today." (Phyllis)

June 23 - "Toby is great, but he can be a little much sometimes. 'I don't see the harm in that...' C'mon. It's just a cake, Toby. Go mumble somewhere else and stop staring at my girlfriend. That's all, I'm sorry, I'm just venting. But why does he have to walk so slow?" (Jim)

Monday, September 14, 2009

Vacation & Chicken Poop

So, let me just begin by saying that currently I'm chilling in Phoenix, AZ with my in-laws and having a blast. We're swimming, enjoying cards, downing Starbucks galore, and did I mention golfing twice for FREE? I'm hoping to take in another round or two before we leave Wednesday night. Oh, and let's not forget I've begun reading Irresistible Revolution by Shaine Claiborne, as well as getting caught up on a bunch of flicks.
You know, before I reveal my Baker's Dozen Book List (the first one being listed above), I've been blessed to squeeze in a ton of movies which I was behind on. Some good, some cheesy, some just stellar. Keep in mind, there are different reasons I tackled some of these. Here's kind of how I grouped them:

Just Okay
Rock'n'Rolla - I just expected more from Guy Ritchie. Tom Wilkinson was great, but I dozed off several times.

Real Solid
Gamer - Liked the effects, action, and scary reality of technology interfacing our culture, taking away our humanity.
Twilight - It seems like everyone loves the book series, but were only so-so on the movie. I've never read a page, and didn't know much about the whole thing. But it was actually quite compelling stuff, and I can see why the teen world likes it so much.
The Hurt Locker - Okay, so there was a lot of hype for this film, though I'd never heard of it. And a pretty sweet sleeper cast. It was intense and suspenseful, just keeping it a safe distance...especially from shrapnel.
State of Play - Russell Crowe leads a sweet cast in this Ridley Scott flick. Throw in some Helen Mirren, Rachel McAdams, Robin Wright Penn, Jason Bateman, and Ben Affleck (Extract pals?), and it's all well done. I think I'm okay with the resurgence of Affleck's career...being a hubby and daddy are bringing out the best in you.

Yeah, Baby
I Love You, Man - This made me howl...I actually enjoyed it more than The Hangover, and it's up there with Forgetting Sarah Marshall...guess I'm a closet Jason Segel fan.
A Fistful of Dollars/For a Few Dollars More - Spaghetti Western Classics by Sergio Leone, with a clutch young stud in Clint Eastwood. If you've never seen these, they are dynamite as they're written well, great camera work, and catchy music. Oh, and considering the films are nearly 50 years old, I'd say their in pretty good shape.
Extract - Hil-lar-i-ty. I'm sitting there just cracking up at Ben Affleck in a great role, and thinking the whole time, how in the world does Jason Bateman keep a straight face? This movie just pokes fun @ our culture and stereotypes, taking along with it some Bateman comic delivery. He's so money and he doesn't even know it.
Frost/Nixon - The best movie I've seen in a LONG time. Didn't have much knowledge of all the events of this piece of history, but Ron Howard unfolds this story beautifully. Nixon and Frost are so well acted, it's not even funny. I'd recommend this to anyone who wants to spend 2 hours in a great, well-acted story that has the historical stuff layered throughout.

Upcoming
The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly (last chapter in "The man with no name" trilogy)
Jesus Camp
Expelled
What Would Jesus Buy
Miracle at Santa Anna

Lastly, you can expect a return to some OFFICE quotes, particularly with it returning to the air very soon. But hang on...how about some excerpts from a parody book I read by one David Fisher entitled, Chicken Poop for the Soul: Stories to Harden the Heart and Dampen the Spirit. I will confess to having a season of my life where I was addicted to those books (before they went into those crazy, specialized arenas like, Dog-lovers, Car-Lovers, Etc.). Yet, this book just made me chuckle and think about the more sarcastic, twisted side of life...you know, reality without the always advertised happy-ending. So, be warned that over the coming weeks, I'll be sharing some excerpts from the book for your enjoyment.
May you live well in the goodness of grace.

Tuesday, September 8, 2009

A Sleeper City

Had the priviledge of enjoying Montgomery this past weekend (wedding of my wife's best friend) and was blown away! Maybe I've been so stinking sheltered...how had I missed this great place? I'd enjoyed Birmingham, Mobile, and even little 'ole Florence, but had skipped right over the capitol city of Alabama? I'm pleased to now tell you that this this city slicker has been awakened to the appeal of such an interesting community. Here's just some observations:

-Buildings and landscape...everything was virtually easy on the eyes, clean, green and beautiful, with a touch of character splashed in virutally everything it seemed. There's actually this really cool downtown area where they've brought in Dreamland BBQ, and are trying to rennovate this old, vintage alley between some buildings...can't wait to see what that becomes in the near future.

-Racial acceptance...see, I live in NW Houston, and the ethnicities seem to tolerate each other and not go much further--but most encounters I had personally or observed from a distance were VERY positive...it was ACCEPTANCE, and that was very surprising to me since my initial thought had been the opposite of the deep south...

-More churches than I can count...of all flavors, shapes, and sizes. I almost got the feeling that there are more beautiful old buildings with beautfiul old saints than there are total people to fill them. What's the future hold there? And if that's beginning to happen in Alabama, when will that trend hit even bigger cities? Maybe there's some urban sprawl guru who can shed some light...

-Attention, compassion, and general joy of children. Every restaurant or public place we took in, my kids were smiled at, greeted, spoken to, and encouraged. Let's face it, I believe my kids are UBER adorable, but still, it was pretty unique.

-Sweet Tea @ every restaurant, Krispy Kreme donuts, Roll Tide everywhere...enjoyed every bit of these things.

May each of you spend one afternoon this week raising your class of sweet tea in honor of the great state of Alabama, and this "sleeper city," Montgomery.

Tuesday, August 18, 2009

My Best Friend

So, today Carly and I celebrate 8 years of marriage. I'm simply in awe of the fact that she agreed to pick up the phone when I called her (after the infamous cactus gift, mind you). And that she would awaken to a sunrise devo with some Theta peeps, followed by some Bobby's breakfast. Or that she would tolerate my presence @ Books-a-Million, Jamaican Campaign, and our many dates...much less nearly hyperventilate when I gave her the golden egg with a diamond ring in it.

You know, I'm not sure I would have ever been ready to understand the value of friendship in a marriage..perhaps when I was younger and dating everything in sight, that word was a turn-off. But it's a BLAST to share life with someone who enjoys similar things, believes-listens-encourages-corrects-laughs-understands-respects you (even when it doesn't make sense). Carly is my BEST FRIEND, and I'm the better for it.

Don't get me wrong...my wife is smokin' hot. Good grief, to have 2 kids and still have it going on is a wonderful perk to our love. Why did I doubt the old guy principle of glancing at her madre? That should have been my first clue!

Thanks for 8 great, crazy, wonderful, wouldn't-trade-them-for-anything years, Babe. Married up? Okay, that's mild salsa in this context. Won the lottery? That's probably moving toward the right odds in assessing our coming together. I praise you, Great God of All Marriages, for blessing me with the companion you knew would mesh with my heart perfectly. Here's just a couple pics from previous years...hey, my sweet probably has the better collection than me!

Wednesday, June 17, 2009

A Prayer of Confession

So my 3-year old princess Shiloh was sitting down to lunch over some Taco Bell. Glancing down at her soft taco, she uttered these words:

"Dear God, I don't like lettuce. Please take the lettuce away and never let it come back, Jesus. Thank you. In Jesus' name, Amen."

Beyond my little gal's obvious resistance to this veggie, I want that simple, honest, true plea in my life, to my God, only you and I both know it's not the lettuce which I don't like or wish to return...

God's grace to you.

Friday, May 29, 2009

Office Love Part 2

And here we go with some more good stuff...may this make you LOL...literally. This should get ya through for a while...

April 25 - "Oscar, Toby, and I are founding members of the Finer Things Club. We meet once a month to discuss books and art, celebrate culture in a very civilized way. Sometimes the debate can get heated, but we're always respectful. There is no paper, no plastic, and no work talk allowed. It's very exclusive." (Pam)

April 28 - "I always imagined less manure. I mean, some manure. Just less." (Jim, about his first night away together with Pam--on Dwight's beet farm)

April 29 - "So here's the deal. I am on my way to New York to be deposed as part of Jan's wrongful termination lawsuit. The company fired her for having the courage to augment her boobs." (Michael)

May 9 - "This is what a true survivorman does. You simulate disaster, like a plane wreck, you can only wear the clothes that you have on, and you can only use the stuff that you have in your pockets. Now, in this case, this disaster [Dwight] is a serial killer, creepy guy, who has abducted me and is taking me out into the wilderness to leave me for dead." (Michael)

May 11 - "People say, 'Oh, it's dangerous to keep weapons in the home or the workplace.' Well, I say it's better to be hurt by someone you know accidentally, than by a stranger, on purpose." (Dwight)

May 12 - "I'm going to cut right to the chase here. Do you like magic? Because I am a genie in a bottle and I am going to grant you three wishes. To move to Scranton, to have a great job, and to be my best friend." (Michael)

May 13 - "Four million dollars! Man. That's a lot of guacamole--a lot of the green. Lot of green. That is why I have memorized Jan's answers and I've also thrown in some 'ers' and 'ahs' just to make it seem like it's not memorized. Perfect crime." (Michael)

May 14 - "The Finer Things Club is the most exclusive club in this office. Naturally, it's where I need to be. The party-planning committee is my back-up, and Kevin's band is my safety." (Andy)

May 16 - "I don't talk trash. I talk smack. They're totally different. Trash talk is all hypothetical. Like, 'Your mom is so fat she could eat the Internet.' But smack talk is happening like right now. Like, 'You're ugly and I know it for a fact 'cause I got the evidence right there.'" (Kelly)

May 18 - "I lied to Michael, I said that I would leave him alone, but I will not. I will remain close by to provide unseen moral support. But I will never help him. I will let harm befall him, I will even let him die, but I will never let him lose his dignity." (Dwight)

May 19 - "He's just going to tell the truth. The truth is very, you know, complicated. So we went over it carefully. And, just so we wouldn't leave anything up to chance or Michael's judgment." (Jan)

May 20 - "Finishing that 5K was the hardest thing I ever had to do. I ate more fettuccine Alfredo, and drank less water than I have in my entire life. People always talk about triumphs of the human spirit. Today I had a triumph of the human body. My guts. My heart. While I eventually puked my guts out, I never puked my heart out. And I am very, very proud of that." (Michael)

May 24 - "I am totally alone right now with only my thoughts. I love it. I'm lovin' it! I can literally say anything I want. No one is going to hear me...Wish I could've gone with Ryan on that cool retreat! My girlfriend has plastic boobs! I--HAVE--HEMORRHOIDS!...Doesn't even matter." (Michael)

Wednesday, May 27, 2009

Office Love Part 1

So, are you having withdrawals yet? With the news of a certain power couple's new addition, I thought I would take us back to the days when it was just the 2 of them...and this is the first of a couple rather lengthy excerpts sure to make you grin...

April 24 - "Oh, hey, I know you--Elizabeth! Right?...Wow. Very cool you went back and got your degree. I would like you to accept this check for three hundred and forty dollars made out to 'science.' Make sure that gets into the right hands." (Michael)

April 30 - "Do I believe Michael possesses the skills to survive in a hostile environment? Let's put it this way: no I do not." (Dwight)

May 1 - Michael: "How can I get you to stay?" Stanley: "Money." Michael: "We all want money. But there is none in the budget so...tell me why you're really leaving." Stanley: "Money." Michael: "Mo' money, mo' problems, Stanley. You of all people should know that."

May 4 - "I can make a difference. Remember I'm the one who started this whole thing off by hitting Meredith with my car. And I owe it to her to finish this G.D. 5K." (Michael)

May 7 - "Everyone always wants new things. Everybody likes new inventions, new technology. People will never be replaced by machines. In the end, life, and business, are about human connections. And computers are about trying to murder you in a lake. And to me, the choice is easy." (Michael)

May 8 - "Besides my relationships with men, I would say the Finer Things Club is the gayest thing about me." (Oscar)

May 15 - "Well, it's been tough. The geniuses at corporate rejected my commercial. And tonight they are airing the brain-dead version. So, welcome one and all to the world premiere of corporate crap-fest." (Michael)

May 25 - "Dwight mercy killed Angela's cat. It's very complicated. It's caused a lot of unpleasantness between Dwight and Angela. Who are both already prone to unpleasantness." (Pam)

Thursday, April 23, 2009

The Office Rolls On...

I'm not sure how many of you are actually getting some dynamite enjoyment out of reading these, but I'll tell you...with all the twists and complications of The Michael Scott Paper Company, I don't know what to believe anymore. So, for the moment, I'm resting in the daily funnies of my 2009 calendar. Enjoy!

April 9 - "All right, let me ask you this. Tell me if you think this is creative. When I was five, I imagined that there was such a thing as a unicorn. And this is before I even heard of one or seen one. I just drew a picture of a horse that could fly over rainbows and had a huge spike in its head. I was five, five years old...couldn't even talk yet." (Michael)

April 10 - "I keep various weaponry strategically placed around the office. I saved Jim's life with a can of pepper spray I had velcroed under my desk." (Dwight)

April 13 - "A woman shouldn't have to be hit by a car to learn that she might have rabies. But that is where we are in America and that does not sit right with me. And that's why I am hosting a fun race for the cure of rabies. To raise awareness of the fact that there is a cure for rabies. A disease that has largely been eradicated in the United States but not many people know that. (Michael)

April 14 - "[Monopoly] is nuts. Nobody just picks up 'get out of jail free' cards. Those things cost thousands." (Creed)

April 15 - "Ryan thinks that technology is the answer. Well guess what? I just drove my car into a lake...Why, you might ask, did I do this? Well, because of a machine. A machine told me to drive into a lake and I did it. I did it because I trusted Ryan's precious technology, and look where it got me." (Michael)

April 16 - "When I was younger, I always wanted to be an actor in commercials. Then I realized I had a brain." (Oscar)

April 17 - "You cannot take the hilarious black guy from the office. Stanley is a part of what makes the office so extraordinary. The bluesy wisdom. The sassy remarks. The crossword puzzles, his smile, those big watery red eyes. I don't know how George Bush did it when Colin Powell left." (Michael)

April 19 - "Every time Michael's in a meeting, he makes me come in and give him a Post-it note telling him who is on the phone. I did it once, and he freaked out, he loved it so much. The thing is, he doesn't get that many calls, so he has me make them up every ten minutes." (Pam)

April 20 - "What am I doing? I am blowing Dodge. I'm getting out of town. Whatever you call it, I am running away from my responsibilities. It feels good." (Michael)

April 21 - "I know you are probably scared of people seeing your fat legs in shorts...Well, back in olden times, a large, fat person, like this, was a person of power, a person who had money and could buy food. A person of respect like the regional manager of the day." (Michael, to Kevin)

April 23 - "I'm excited about doing the ad, but I'm not really used to doing videos with so many people around." (Meredith)